10 Steps to Perfecting Procrastination

Recently I noticed that all the procrastination-related tweets/blog posts/motivational CDs of questionable legality costing just five easy installments of $199.99 are all aimed at solving our habits of doing anything at all that we can think of except the thing we're supposed to be doing, which for many of us is writing another chunk of words.

But what if we want to procrastinate? What if we need to? What if we've never finished a novel before and are happy to stay here for a while (just before the end) and enjoy the view for a few minutes, before we send our double-spaced baby out into the world and the waiting game begins? What if we'd rather finish a few weeks behind and prolong the dream, delaying that inevitable day when someone will tell us that our characters are two dimensional stereotypes, our scenes lack conflict, our plot is confusing and one of our characters is pregnant for eleven months?

I figure I've spotted a gap in the blog post market. So here is (drum roll, please):

Catherine's Not So Patented 10 Steps to Perfecting Procrastination Today: Everything You Need to Know and Do To Never EVER Finish That Novel!

1. Only Work With Wi-fi

It is imperative that you only work in areas with wireless connectivity and with your computer set to receive it, so that you have the constant temptation to check for new e-mail messages, Facebook notifications and the latest on Tiger Woods. Mac Users: don't even THINK about using this.

2. Use Twitter to Bookend Every Task

Twitter can be the ultimate procrastination facilitator but only if you know how to maximize its potential. The simplest way is to bookend every task/action/bodily function with what we like to call the TwitterCheck. For example: you are writing and decide to make a cup of coffee (see step 7). While this alone will waste a good 5-10 minutes of your time, the TwitterCheck method can push that to a minimum of 30 minutes. Yes, really! All you need to do is check Twitter BEFORE you go to make the coffee and AFTER you get back, i.e. 'bookending' the coffee making with TwitterChecks. It's just that simple!

3. Become a Neat Freak

Refuse to work in any space that isn't clean, dusted, organized, colour-coded, alphabetized, arranged for optimum feng shui and has 'a good energy.'

4. Don't Use Sky+ or Online iPlayers

Services like Sky+ and online 'catch up' players will be the death of procrastination - stick with live TV. If you want to watch something at 8pm and you set it to record, you could find yourself working as late as ten or eleven o'clock safe in the knowledge that you can watch that program at your leisure. However if you give yourself no option but to watch it live, you are far more likely to stop working at six-ish (to have your dinner), spend the intervening two hours watching TV you're not even interested in (because what's the point of going back to work? It'll be on in a minute) and doing nothing for the rest of the night (well, you're here now so you may as well watch 'celebrities' you don't recognize camping/dancing/figure skating).

5. Invent a Need for Time Swallowing Tasks

Learn from this example from my own not-so-creative life: I have a self-published book-like thingy coming out in March and am trying to not finish a novel to submit to an agent at the beginning of January. (It was supposed to be this week, incidentally, that I was to originally submit it - see how effective this procrastination plan is?) But instead of finishing the novel first and then working on publicity for the self-published book (which is called, FYI, Mousetrapped: A Year and A Bit in Orlando, Florida and is about, FYI, one girl's (i.e. this one) search for happiness in the happiest place on Earth and has, FYI, several funny bits), I took three days - THREE DAYS! - off from the novel to make the video at the end of this post and to make this Facebook page, which you looking at for a couple of minutes and then clicking the 'Become a Fan' button will help your procrastination! Don't say I never give you anything.

6. Two O'Clock is the New Seven

As I'm at home writing full-time at the moment (I believe "unemployed" is the common term), I find myself with ample opportunity to finish my book. In fact, on some days I've got as much as five or six thousands words done. Disaster! To combat this productivity, I initiated the 'Two O'Clock is the New Seven' Rule, which works like this: if I haven't started by two then I won't start at all, because what's the point? The day is practically OVER. To help yourself not start by two, see steps 3 and 9.

7. Develop a Caffeine Addiction

If you never want to finish your book, this step is non-negotiable. Not only will making endless cups of coffee waste an hour or so every day, but the Caffeine Depleted Syndrome (also known as 'The Jitters') that sets in about 3pm - symptoms include nausea, clouded thinking, headaches, shaky hands and an overwhelming urge to dance to Britney Spears' songs - will prevent you from writing anything of note in the afternoon.

8. Chart Your (Lack of) Progress

This may surprise you but your unfinished book is a wealth of procrastination in itself! It has lots of confusing things like plots, characters, scenes, timelines, words, sequences - all of which can be charted, graphed and listed, wasting hours upon hours of your time (and paper)! To maximize the procrastination, alternate between hand-drawn charts (rulers, pencils) and Excel spreadsheets, colour-code, cross-reference and refuse to use any on which you've made a mistake. Happy graphing!

9. Sleep

Sleeping can be a procrastinator's best friend. For maximum results, utilize naps and throw out your alarm clocks.

10. Write Random Blog Posts

Finally, the Number 1 Step to Perfecting Procrastination and making sure that novel of yours never gets written is to write numerous random blog posts - like this one.

Here are your 3 FREE BONUS Procrastination Tips:

- Leave comments on blog posts (well, you're already here so...)

- Follow people who have nothing of import to say on Twitter (well, you already know me so...)

- Unlearn how to touch type and/or break a couple of fingers.

HAPPY PROCRASTINATING!